


Putting all of my heart on your hands, Jihoon

by 10hour10minute



Series: that SoonHoon story [2]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Jihoon's POV, Letter form, Light Angst, M/M, and still unedited what do you expect, heol i don't even think its actually angst, i still dont know what im doing, i wrote this instead of working, seungcheol is only mentioned tho, sort of like a filler fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-16
Updated: 2017-01-16
Packaged: 2018-09-17 21:52:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 840
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9348071
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/10hour10minute/pseuds/10hour10minute
Summary: jihoon writes Soonyoung a letter after he left.





	

Soonyoung,

I’ve never been good with words when I had to say them aloud. And I am not any better with feelings. But I realized how unfair I had been to you, and the least I can do is to come clean about these feelings I have for you. So here goes.

I like you. I liked you since the day I saw you impromptu dancing on stage during the freshman orientation. I liked you even more when you heard me play the piano and complimented me and I saw how genuine you were with your words. Since then, you were always there. We became best friends, my brother from another mother. Some people would even mistake us for twins. You were in most of my firsts and all the happiest moments in my life were spent with you. I didn’t realize it then, but you became my world. Your smile was the rays of sun that peek out from the gaps of my curtains, reminding me of hope when I stay up too late working on essays and studying for finals. Your voice was the lullaby that sends me to a peaceful sleep after an argument with my parents. And your eyes were the shiniest stars I have ever seen, breathtakingly beautiful. I can’t remember when this feeling of friendship started to change into something more, when I started to love you.

Yes, Soonyoung, I love you. I am in love with you. I realized that the ‘love’ I had for Seungcheol was just a mere infatuation, a great admiration for a guy I wanted to be like. I hope I realized it sooner, both my feelings for you and for Seungcheol, because maybe then I wouldn’t be so stupid. Maybe I wouldn’t be so stupid, so blinded by what I felt for him to not even consider how you felt after what happened between us. I used you to get over him again and again and I just thought you were fine with it. You seemed fine, and I’m so stupid to actually believe that.

How do you do it? How do you pretend that everything is fine when your entire world is slowly crumbling down? Because that’s why you left, right? That was the reason you left without even a goodbye. Because I hurt you. I used you and made you feel like you are nothing more than a fuck piece, and that all those years we spent creating memories with each other meant nothing to me. I hurt you so bad in the process of trying to forget the pain of losing someone I never even had in the first place.

But this is so much more painful. I thought I could just continue on living as I did before I met you but now everything seems to remind me of you. Every corner of my dorm room is filled with memories of you. You even left some of your things here that I can’t just throw away or give back because it keeps me sane. It reminds me that all those times with you were real and not just some dream I had. It reminds me that I once had you. I almost went crazy trying to figure out why I am so affected by you walking out of my life. I didn’t realize that all this time, the answer was right in front of me and I was just too blind to see. I’m in love with you.

I know I am so unfair, telling you I love you after hurting you to the point of breaking, to the point of leaving. But you need to know that I love you. I love you more than I ever loved anyone in my life. You need to know that I didn’t mean to make you feel like all those years we had did not mean anything to me. You are the most precious being that ever came to my life. You need to know that you deserve nothing less that the best that life has to offer. And that I am so so sorry for not being able to give that to you. I am so sorry for ruining you and making you believe that you are worth less than you are. I am so so so sorry for hurting you.

I love you, but I won’t pursue you. Not now. Not now when I don’t deserve you. Not now when I know you are still trying nurse your heart from all the pain I’ve inflicted upon it, upon you. Not now, but soon. Soon when I finally forgive myself for being the reason you shed those tears. Soon when I finally deem myself worthy enough to stand next to you. I won’t ask you to wait for me, Soonyoung, I know that’s asking for too much. But you have to know. Soon, I will.

I love you Soonyoung. Believe in that.

I’m sorry. Forgive me.

Putting all of my heart on your hands,  
Jihoon

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote the draft to this in the Microbiology department of the hospital laboratory. there is a CSF specimen from a patient with Crytococcus neoformans (look it up if you want) infection not more than 3 meters away from me. and a street party out side the building. fun. Pit Senyor!
> 
> like the tag says, i still don't know what i'm doing.
> 
> it's midterms week and i don't even know where i placed my notes. god bless me.


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